That Demon – Anxiety

I have experienced anxiety all my life but I never could label that feeling and I didn’t know what that meant till recently. I had to do a lot of reading to find out and name the experience and learn how to address it. This morning I woke up with a lot of anxiety and I thought it’s time I shared this so that if any of you reading this is in my shoes knows what to do. For me anxiety is racing heart, whirlwind thoughts( negative of course) , sweating , I feel limp accompanied by heaviness in the chest area. I feel it’s all over and I am sinking!

This is the most difficult time because all that I know and have learned goes out of the window. I get into a loop – a vicious cycle. Are you wondering what to do if one experiences this. To begin with if there is a loved one around or a friend who knows you well educate them on anxiety. The benefit of this is when the time comes they are there by your side just silently because that’s when we don’t want to hear “how we could be calm or have done something better or how it’s simple and we complicate it”. Basically prepare so that you receive no unsolicited advice 🙂

Secondly, move .. move your body. Walk, run, dance, work out because it helps shift the energy and hence shift the mood and hence shifts the anxious feelings too. If you can step into Nature there is no better cure, it’s magical how Nature can calm us down with her grounded energy.

Thirdly, breathe and write. Do the 4-7-8 breathing to calm yourself, it does it’s magic . Then write all that comes to your mind. I call it feelings dump until I have nothing to write. Recommended word count is 750. It relieves a lot of pressure off the monkey mind, try this and see the difference for yourself.

Fourth, do something you love. Maybe listen to music, eat good food, Chant mantra, cuddle your pet or your loved one( cuddling can cure anything in my opinion as touch has the power to heal) , read etc etc

What not to do: stay in the bed, stay in a dark room( have you heard demons live in the dark:)) , Don’t express this to someone who doesn’t know or understand the severity of anxiety because they can negate you in a second and push you deep down into the dump. It’s ok if someone in your family doesn’t understand, find a friend or a therapist or a group who does and share it with them because they know and understand and will never say, oh you are ok! Just take it easy!

I meditate and am a goof ball but this happens to me once in a while and I find it difficult too. I think that’s ok because I am human . Always remind yourself that this too shall pass and tomorrow is a new day filled with new opportunities.

The Window to life

A part of my home which I have never taken for granted- the window! It’s my window to the world. Now that I work from home I hover around the window all the time , my favorite place in my home is my window because it connects me to the world , to people outside it in a way I can never explain.

I have seen so many people so far but some stuck to my memory. Like the girls who happily danced on the street because they didn’t care and because they enjoyed each other’s company.

The lady who takes her smoke break and is in Nirvana the whole time in her drag, she forgets the world around her.

The lady whose spa is closed now because of Covid and is restlessly doing everything possible to ensure people walk in. Be it the poster or trimming the plants around her small spa keeping herself busy

The garbage truck man who comes in at the same time every singe day and completes his job effortlessly that I am left wondering it is so easy!

The service man who finished his assignment and decided to sit on the sidewalk and finish his lunch and he did that while he flipped through his phone

The couples who pass by occasionally holding hands, expressing love, clicking pictures because they are lost in one another

The humans who walks his/her dog, some are so much in love with their pet and some are so much in love with their 7 inch screen they hold

The homeless man who was relentlessly cussing and flashing his middle finger at every passer by, I thought he was so bold!

The sun, moon , the clouds who pass by me every single day.. reminding me that this too shall pass!

So many more.. they keep me company though they are not with me. Is that why they say do good even when no one is seeing because someone is always seeing you? You never know who is watching you, so always put on your good shoes because you might be making someone’s day somewhere!!

How are you “feeling” today?

A question that had a template response in my head, and my standard response is I am feeling good. When a doctor asked how are you feeling? Utmost I would come up with I am feeling sick. Yes limited vocabulary syndrome( I just made that up but let’s assume that’s what it is called) is what I have struggled with all my life. I can write but I cannot talk. The past year has been an eye opener for me and I learned that good and bad are not necessarily feelings. Insecurity is not a feeling, feeling blamed is not a feeling and I was totally agape! These are mere interpretation of how we are feeling. We might be feeling sad or angry behind the facade of insecurity. The primary feeling behind anger is frustration/ fear and I never knew this, I promise!! What was this? Why didn’t I learn this all these years were the questions on my mind. Coming from a conservative family that didn’t believe in communicating feelings I didn’t know what that meant or felt. I mean that is most of Indian population I would assume. The word feeling had no meaning or purpose in my life. It was much later when I was asked how is that I can’t emote when I can write it struck me that I was stuck in a whirlpool for many years. Did you ask how didn’t I drown? Well I had drowned but didn’t even realize I did.

It took weeks to digest this fact and been months since I am trying to express how I am feeling from the bottom of my heart. Since all of us say good most times it wasn’t helpful for me to hone the skill as others never connected with me. I finally figured that it worked when I talked to a handful of them whom I either didn’t know or know too well because in these scenarios they are trying to know you 🙂 .

There is a tool that helped me with learning how to name my feelings and I wanted to share the same with you. Its called the feeling wheel because all of us deserve to express beyond the auto pilot “good”. Until we communicate the other won’t know- no rocket science but yet something we dabble with as humans, right? . It is so crucial to share what we experience inside of us which no one can magically understand( that was my expectation for years hence this line :D) . I hope this helps you. It’s ok to be behind in expressing because it’s better late than never. Incidentally today I am ok not being able to express because I am aware of it. It’s ok because I have accepted that and acknowledge it and am willing to learn more as day goes by.

Psychology says the moment we name a feeling it loses its power over us! Awareness is the first step. Don’t you agree?

Love and Light

There may be no tomorrow!

I woke up this morning to a plethora of messages on my phone. I didnt know what was happening and dug into all my messages to learn that my best friend from college is no more. I was numb and shocked, to be clear we were rarely in touch after college. We tried to meet and let the relationship flourish but life had other plans and we grew apart. In my defense I would say Life happened and we went our ways.
After hearing the news of his death this morning I felt nothing changed and memories are all stored in our bodies. My heart is so heavy as I feel so sad that I was in my own world for so long. This jolts me into reality that life is so short, not even our next breath is guaranteed and I have been making fancy plans on how my future will be.

I have been living and trying to balance with one leg in the boat called now and another in the boat called tomorrow. Right now,I am left wondering what is life really? birth-life and death? Thats all? I know we will all forget this happened some day but I hope this learning stays with me till the end of my life. Events have a power to change lives and I hope this news does that for everyone whose life he touched. Abhi was a happy go lucky, mischievous guy all our college life, so strong yet so fragile and I was his friend yet his mother in many facets. I feel sad that I couldn’t bid him a bye 😥

I feel I have lived my whole life in anticipation of a better tomorrow. I am so heart broken and am here to remain myself and tell you that life is short:

if you have that friend you haven’t spoken to ,say hello!

if there is someone who you have taken for granted tell them how much you love them,

if you have been living for others then start living for yourself

if you have been living in the next moment remember there may be none.

Live like there is no tomorrow because in reality there maybe none!

Thats what I have relearned this morning.

Live Love Laugh

Bindu

How Covid-19 will change our lives forever

Amidst the pandemic and quarantine, my mind is on a whirlwind. I stopped following the news a while ago because there were information overload and irrespective of whatever I read the best I can do is take care of myself and follow the hygiene. It’s like how they say on the airplane “wear your oxygen mask first before you help your fellow passengers” here I will take care of myself first so the others are safe. I still don’t know why is this so difficult to understand for many.

Anyways back to me and my monkey mind! I have this theory so this is what I feel happened.

Earth was tired and in pain the way we humans were handling her. Deforestation, pollution, dirt, racism, negativity, corruption, etc was in full swing and Mother Earth was in tears and decided to “pause” as that is the best way to heal. A mother loves her children but when they turn rouge she has to step back and let them face the repercussions as that is the best way to teach. Earth, the Stars, Moon, Stars, Nature, and animals had a meeting and they collectively decided to help mother earth fix all the issues. They discussed and decided that there has to be pain as most humans learn only with pain and fear as they do not understand the language of love. Earth didn’t want to wipe everyone away but chose a few who will sacrifice themselves to teach mankind a lesson on “how to live”.
There came the Virus to teach humans to pause and heal. To teach us to savor the moment and live in the present. The more arrogant anyone got the more the damage so it was inevitable that one slows down.
That is the intention of the meeting or should I say action items.

->We are all homebound and erasing distances we built with our loved ones as we didn’t have time – I think that Earth is hoping that after COVID 19 distances are bridged and we spend time with our loved ones than run away.
->Work from home – This will teach companies how to conserve resources and save- I am guessing her plan is to make corporates realize what discussion needs travel, a meeting or can it be a mail hence saving time and energy.
->We are all beautiful so we don’t need beauty services to make us beautiful. Remember the saying Beauty is an inside job. It’s good to look nice but it has to be paused as we need to accept and be ok if there is no spa or a haircut just the way our ancestors lived. Basic living comes above our need to look good- Wondering if Earth planned to ensure we spend wisely on the beautification, not as an obsession but for fun.
->We have taken everyone and everything for granted – I think she is hoping after this pandemic we will value fresh air, a walk in a grocery store, a sip of coffee at a coffee shop or having a meal at a restaurant or just walking freely inside a park or just hugging a friend.
->There is no poor or rich or caste or color or anything that can stop Mother Nature from treating us as equal- Be it Tom Hanks or someone on an unknown street in Italy everyone will face the same treatment. Everyone is Equal is the message here.
->Gratitude- With all the losses she ensures that we will remember to be thankful for small things and we will value and respect ourselves.
We will remember that life is short, we can plan what we want, we can invest in all that we want but a small virus can ruin us all. It’s so important to value the moment as we may be wiped out in no time.
->Arrogance and selfishness won’t work but love will. Love is the only way forward, love is the only way of life. If we love ourselves and spread love, love will come back to us. If we harm ourselves then we harm others as we are all social beings.
->Cleanliness is next to Godliness this is a known thing – I am guessing her Goal was to make sure we will all remain clean after the pandemic as this becomes a way of life. Washing hands is not an unknown rule, it’s normal and we don’t need to be told to wash the dirt.
->Isolation and Social distancing helps us to know ourselves more, heal our bodies and soul, helps us discover ourselves in-depth- The earth will become a better place to live after this pandemic most certainly if everyone understands the value of being in our own company.

Amidst all these people have lost jobs, their loved ones, their peace, and fear have engulfed but it is a reminder that we are together in it and no one is alone. I am in awe the way so many of them are doing their bit to spread positivity and cheer. There are so many free meditation classes, free workouts, blogs, positive messages, quotes on social media that the love is overwhelming and it is proof that we are not alone in this and there is an army behind us who cares even if they do not know us. Let’s just pause and breathe and be in the moment, let us learn to love ourselves and accept that is the only way to live, let’s wipe away Mother Earth’s tears and bring cheers to ourselves.

May we and our Mother Earth be free from pain, May we live happily until we are on this planet.

Love and Light
Bindu

What I learnt in the past few weeks Courtesy -COVD19

The last few weeks have been stressful and it only gets worse by the day. Innumerable Whatsapp forwards, each publication chasing readership numbers and news channels wanting higher TRP. Media is making their own life interesting and ensuring ours is exactly the opposite- Fearful. Every day I would wake up and google for “Corona update” and then read all the news and feel fear bubbling inside me. Finally, I decided to put an end to this pandemic in my life, remove it from my head. I haven’t looked up the news in the last 48 hours and it feels so good.

I am not being ignorant, I have accepted that there is something tiny(in size) compared to us in the world capable of wiping us off the planet. I am aware that it can harm us and I also know what it has been doing and many channels already shared the future projections. I am certain I will get an update on my timeline when there is a breakthrough in the vaccination. For now, I am enjoying my time and these are my discoveries/learnings:

I am more in touch with family and friends, I feel the bonding which was missing for long. I think social distancing took people away physically but brought them closer in our hearts. These are times we should be thankful for technology no?
It is another reminder that life is short. One second we are all in Lala land and another there is a virus which can destroy us. So life is short irrespective of the coronavirus. If we don’t love ourselves and our loved ones now then we will never.
Awareness that life is all about “change” deepened for me. It’s all about ups and downs, whichever direction we go in we have to return to the other way and in reality, nothing is permanent and it shall all change. The only reality is Change.
I decided to make reading positive reinforcement books/articles a part of my daily life and I am enjoying the process. My current read is Be Here Now – Baba Ramdass
I discovered that my word now is “pause” something I haven’t dealt with elegantly all my life as I am in a rush to finish things. Now I decided to lose the rate race and win the moment!
I started appreciating life and myself more.

I am learning more and enjoying the pause even though at times this situation is unbearable, I remind myself this too shall pass. I hope and pray that this pandemic instills a positive attitude in people along with hygiene. My heart goes to all the people who have lost their loved ones, I wish that hadn’t happened. I wish strength and awareness to the rest of us to let go of fear as fear kills faster than Corona does.

I wish you well! My prayers:

May everyone be free from Suffering,
May everyone be Healthy,
May everyone be at Ease,
May everyone be Happy

Love and Light!
Bindu

What are you hiding behind?

A new luxury brand is about to launch its lipstick range and I was mightily excited. I was so elated at the possibility of being able to own one lipstick from them and flaunt it. While I was reading details on the launch and squealing in excitement something hard struck me. Why do I need this lipstick? (I am a hoarder and have many shades with me already) How different can this brand be? then why the need?

My instant response was I want to look nice! That color is divine and it will make me look beautiful. I asked myself, look nice for whom? My defense mechanism was immediately activated to justify stating “It is for my own eyes” and no one :). That’s how I have always ended up buying more things especially lipsticks as I have an underlying addiction towards them. I started thinking more and realized how as a kid I was told that my lips didn’t look good and I had the need to cover them up. I being the lucky one who started dancing at an age of 4, always had one lipstick around me to apply for the dance shows, a magenta as only that suits a dusky girl. It became my obsession to hide behind the lipstick’s once I started earning on my own. If I am found without them I will be damned, people will hate me was my paranoia.

Until 2 years ago I was that ways and slowly started working my way up and learned that people like me for who I am and not for the lipstick I wear. I have to be honest I still can’t live without them but I am a work in progress as I would like to say. But the stigma is so strong that I am still dabbling with it. It is so important what we say to a growing child, it’s so important to encourage them and tell them their positive qualities than the negatives. Its so important not to body shame them and not make beauty about physical looks. I lost track of my point :), it was just 2 days ago something jolted me back to reality. It struck me that each one of us is unique and is beautiful. Then why do I need to become beautiful like someone? How can any product on the shelf make me look like anyone? Whatever we do we cannot look like someone when each one of us is unique.

It is so important what we say to a growing child, it’s so important to encourage them and tell them their positive qualities than the negatives. Its so important not to body shame them and not make beauty about physical looks

It saddens me that the cosmetics industry is striving on that pulse of women, pardon me I say women because makeup is mostly used by us. I never realized that a brand can’t make me beautiful and I kept buying every brand to attain the beauty standards that were imposed on me by society, by the conditioning. I am so grateful for the Aha moment and I wanted to share it here. It is lipstick for me, have you ever thought what is that thing you hide behind than facing the reality?

Is it work? Social media likes? Pleasing people etc? Have you thought how someone else is benefiting from it while we are beating up ourselves for not being good enough? Its time you found your lipstick while I work on letting go of mine.

Love and Light,

Bindu

Life happens, you like it or not

You like it or not it is yours and for you to live,

Things will change and they are meant to, you like it or not.

Live in the present,
Soak in the space around, enjoy the very moment,
Devour the food in front of you,
Laugh with the loved one,
Listen to the person across the table,
Be involved in the meeting or classroom,
Hug someone completely, enjoy the moment like it is the last because it is!

The moment right now is Unique,
We cannot recreate it,
Every moment is a gift-wrapped for us with love from the creator,
You like it or not it is for you to unwrap.
We can choose to look away, look behind or look ahead but the moment is still here,
The moment is yours and for you to live.

It’s not anyone’s loss that you didn’t enjoy the moment but yours,
You can wallow all that you want on what was done or said or happened,
You can regret what didn’t happen or happened,
You can pine for what you don’t deserve,
You can chase for what you don’t want,
For life is still happening in the now, the moment is what we lose when we are chasing the then and later.

It’s not too late, it’s now or never,
Choose to live in the now or to look at the past,
NOW will give you learnings and a lot of opportunities,
THEN will tickle your brain and remind you of what is in the past,
NOW will give you what you didn’t get in the past,
But if you are busy looking behind, you will lose what is in the front,
For it’s not past that gives what you need but the present,
Look now, look in here, look within, look around, this is life, my dear.

Life is what happens while you chase the past or dream of the future,
Life is what you are missing because you are not in the present.
You did not choose your past but you can choose your NOW,
The choice is yours, to make the change,
Enjoy it while it lasts or look behind and complain in the end.

For life is what happens in the now my friend,
NOW is a choice, choose what you want,
Breathe in deeply and soak in the NOW,
It might be good or bad or painful but it is the truth,
You can choose to run away or hide but it won’t cease to happen,
If you live in the NOW the moment will cease soon, I promise,
Because change is life and nothing is here to stay.

There is a day after night, there is a rainbow after the rain, there is summer after winter, you like it or not,
Life is what is happening now my friend, you want it or not.

The angry pedestrian

I was driving across a green signal and was stuck just before the walking zone because a car ahead of me decided to drop or pick someone( guessing was an Uber) . I waited while the pedestrian crossing turned green. A middle aged man with his partner was crossing from across the road and seeing them I didn’t inch ahead as I knew I was in the wrong spot and have to wait for them to cross and I was in their space . While I waited this gentleman abused me verbally, almost banged his fist on my car fuming in Anger, he kept looking into my eyes and using profanity and I felt sad as I couldn’t help him or explain to him or make him feel any better. I haven’t heard anyone abuse me so much on my face, looking into my eyes. I made a sad face, I apologized and gestured that I am helpless but nothing calmed him. Or maybe it did and that was the reason he didn’t bang my cars hood. He crossed and I drove away.

While the other cars ahead of me moved and I along with another car just behind me moved but this man remained in my mind. I was left wondering how important is “perspective” in life.

For him rightly in his position I was that driver who jumped the signal at the nick of the moment and got caught at the pedestrian crossing so he was angry at me that he expressed it in the ways he could. He felt I was maybe a rash driver who was inconsiderate and in all fairness he is right to assume what he assumed.

Reality was I didn’t jump the signal, someone ahead of me stopped and that paused my movement. I was unhappy to be on the crossing junction as I am very particular about following rules. My reality is while I was sorry I was in the wrong spot I wasn’t actually at fault as I didn’t anticipate someone stopping ahead and causing the jam. I was wrong but my intent wasn’t what the pedestrian saw.

This incident left me feeling it is so easy for us to point fingers at others and vent out all our frustration at them because they didn’t do it right, or the way we want them to do things or they didn’t follow the rules. I am guilty of this several times in my life but how beautiful will it be to pause and understand the scenario or assume the best intent and walk away. How nice would it be to wish someone good and giving them a benefit of doubt in life. This is a lesson for me and a huge one. His face is still in front of my eyes but fortunately I didn’t get angry at him which I feel grateful for.

I wish I get to use my intellect to see perspectives of situations in life, I wish I get to be mindful of others situation in life, I wish I get to be empathetic to others, I wish I always see the glass half full.

Love and Light!

Bindu Gopinath

Food – Life – Travel