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Aware love

I recently was listening to a podcast about an author who has worked with prison inmates. It was beyond my understanding when the author said that he sees people despite their henious crimes. While he passionately voiced that they are good humans behind their criminal labels. His empathy and passion for helping them was beyond the understanding of my intellect. It took a second for me to understand that, it was an Aha! Moment . It took a little while for my brain to process that what people do is beyond who they are. We are not what we do but we are much bigger than that action. What we do is an action and that doesn’t define us. It is a mindblowing concept and I wish I had learnt that eons ago. I wonder how much humility one needs to be able to see that. This thought has been thawing in the back of my mind , thanks to Oprah. 

I clicked this blurred messy image amidst a stormy hail. I felt it explains how blurred my view was!

This morning I was learning the concept of aware love and that was what brought back gushing memories about the podcast. What is that you ask? Aware love is being aware of the person and loving them sans their actions. Seeing that someone’s action is not them but merely a choice they make. Being aware of that reality and loving anyways is unconditional love. An alien concept for many of us I assume as that means being non judge-mental. Seeing through a lens of compassion and yes! We are built to see others that ways apparently!

It was a light bulb moment and I felt the need to pen this down. I wish I was able to see this and understand this concept in the early years of my life then I wonder where I would be right now? That blog for another time.

A step further doesn’t this also mean not taking what others say or do personally, that means nothing is about us? That also means no one is controlling us but our own minds and belief systems? This concept is whooshing inside my head and going through every corner and picking up everything that comes in its way. 

Aware love also means being aware of ourselves and loving ourselves despite the mistakes we make right? It has to ideally begin there I would think. The ability to see ourselves with love despite the mistakes we have made is aware love. If we can start with ourselves it will soon become a second nature for us! 

This sounds too simple – If we are able to observe situations than judge them , we hit a home run .

While doing an exercise on self awareness I realized that my observations weren’t observations but judgements. My mind has been on auto pilot mode that it doesn’t even discern the difference between the two. Saying he/she was so rude to me which is a judgement vis a vis saying he/she said harsh things changes the way the story is written. When the theme of the story changes do does the ending isn’t it? Was this the really meaning of happy ending stories that I perhaps never understood because of the shallow romantic love displayed in movies?

I wish you unconditional love, aware love! I wish you happiness in life!

PS: I am writing after a long time so please forgive my rustiness

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Featured

What I learnt in the past few weeks Courtesy -COVD19

The last few weeks have been stressful and it only gets worse by the day. Innumerable Whatsapp forwards, each publication chasing readership numbers and news channels wanting higher TRP. Media is making their own life interesting and ensuring ours is exactly the opposite- Fearful. Every day I would wake up and google for “Corona update” and then read all the news and feel fear bubbling inside me. Finally, I decided to put an end to this pandemic in my life, remove it from my head. I haven’t looked up the news in the last 48 hours and it feels so good.

I am not being ignorant, I have accepted that there is something tiny(in size) compared to us in the world capable of wiping us off the planet. I am aware that it can harm us and I also know what it has been doing and many channels already shared the future projections. I am certain I will get an update on my timeline when there is a breakthrough in the vaccination. For now, I am enjoying my time and these are my discoveries/learnings:

  • I am more in touch with family and friends, I feel the bonding which was missing for long. I think social distancing took people away physically but brought them closer in our hearts. These are times we should be thankful for technology no?
  • It is another reminder that life is short. One second we are all in Lala land and another there is a virus which can destroy us. So life is short irrespective of the coronavirus. If we don’t love ourselves and our loved ones now then we will never. 
  • Awareness that life is all about “change” deepened for me. It’s all about ups and downs, whichever direction we go in we have to return to the other way and in reality, nothing is permanent and it shall all change. The only reality is Change. 
  • I decided to make reading positive reinforcement books/articles a part of my daily life and I am enjoying the process. My current read is Be Here Now – Baba Ramdass
  • I discovered that my word now is “pause” something I haven’t dealt with elegantly all my life as I am in a rush to finish things. Now I decided to lose the rate race and win the moment!
  • I started appreciating life and myself more. 

I am learning more and enjoying the pause even though at times this situation is unbearable, I remind myself this too shall pass. I hope and pray that this pandemic instills a positive attitude in people along with hygiene. My heart goes to all the people who have lost their loved ones, I wish that hadn’t happened. I wish strength and awareness to the rest of us to let go of fear as fear kills faster than Corona does.

I wish you well! My prayers:

May everyone be free from Suffering,
May everyone be Healthy,
May everyone be at Ease,
May everyone be Happy

Love and Light!
Bindu

Living in a Trance 

I was doing a mundane chore today -ironing at home. I enjoyed the peace and calm, and it got me thinking. What has become of the world we live in?

There was a time when ironing meant using bulky irons filled with coil I think. They had to heat up slowly while we waited patiently. They were prone to shocks, so my dad would do it, and I would just watch. Even the istriwalla at the corner of the street was considered a luxury, and even he took his time with his coal iron.

Now, the iron box takes just a few seconds to turn on. It’s light, efficient, and does its job quickly. And yet, we are still not satisfied! we want the best iron, and now there is even an iron-free spray. Innovation doesn’t stop, and somewhere, it overwhelms me.

We want more, faster, better. But I feel we are born to be slow beings. There is a rhythm to each of us, unique in its own way, and this fast-paced life disrupts that rhythm. It removes our grounding and slowly turns us into unhappy people.

Do we even realize it? Perhaps not. Then who does? Maybe the people around us?

I see impatience growing within us. Waiting five minutes for a cab feels like too much, whereas growing up, we would cycle or wait for a bus that came when it came. Today, we complain about the weather 🙂 something that isn’t even up for debate.

Our need for instant gratification has quietly taken over us to the point that we are living in a trance.

I wonder what would happen if, for one day, everything stopped and life returned to the 1900s. Would we survive, or would we call that life a crisis?

Leaving you with this thought

Love and light

Bindu

I Used to React to Everything. Now I Don’t (Most of the Time)

There was a time when I would jump the gun before I even knew what was happening.

Then came a phase where I would pause… and still jump the gun automatically after something happened.

Later came a phase where something would happen, I would pause, ruminate… and then jump the gun anyway. 😄

It was the only learned response my body knew.

While I can smile and laugh looking back now, the truth is, it was very hard. Hard for me, and hard for the people around me.

At the time, I barely had the capacity to hold space for myself, let alone for others.

It was a loop. A vicious one.Like a dog chasing its tail.

It looked something like this:

Heard something → My body felt alerted (though I was unaware) → I reacted → The other person felt offended → My body felt more activated → I reacted again…

You can imagine where that cycle led.

After trying everything, the most powerful solution I discovered was surprisingly simple:
my breath and meditation.

The most powerful tool I carry… and never knew I had.

Now I’m in a space where I still get triggered—but not nearly as intensely as even a year ago.

And when it happens, I can often watch it… and simply be.

It’s hard to explain how freeing that feels.

It’s like I carried a rock on my back for years, and I’m finally learning to set it down..one small chip at a time.

And it is worth it.My biggest learning?

If we are reacting, we are usually in the past.
If we are responding, we are in the present moment.

Grateful for the awareness.

It’s a long journey, and I suppose the learning never ends.

What do you choose—past or present?

Love and Light,
Bindu

Fixing is not love

I had an epiphany this morning.Drum roll, I am a fixer.

I try to fix things, even when it might hurt the very people involved.

That realization felt very unsettling.

I was advising my little brother, and he means the world to me.But somewhere along the way, my advice became controlling.

When I looked back, I saw it clearly. It was exactly what he didn’t need.

I paused and asked myself, what am I doing?

Pain and roadblocks are what make us stronger.

If we never learn to fall and get back up, we may end up living in fear of falling at all.

Isn’t that a scary way to live?

But that’s what we sometimes do.

We fix others because we love them.

In the process, we make them dependent and even weak.

Here is the harder truth I had to face.

Fixing someone without being asked isn’t always love.

Sometimes, it’s selfishness.

It makes us feel needed.

It gives us control.

But love doesn’t take over someone’s journey.

It allows.

Maybe what people really need isn’t fixing,

but gentle guidance, offered with compassion,

and the space to choose for themselves.

I apologized to him.

I realized I have to let him live his life and experience it fully.

Love, when not aware, can quietly turn into control.

I am glad I woke up to this.

Have you?

Light and Love ,

Bindu

Awkward Silence? I am Not So Sure

gazing at the sky

Whoever came up with the phrase “awkward silence” was probably not doing inner work.

Not judging—I believed in it too. I have used the phrase many times.

But today, I see it differently.

Silence might actually be what we need most.
To heal. To integrate. To learn.

At some point, words just become noise.

If we can stay with silence it can take us somewhere deeper.

How?

When we are silent, we start to:

  • listen to our own mind’s chatter
  • notice what we’re feeling
  • think a little more clearly

And I’m starting to feel that words can sometimes be a way of giving away our power.

We often talk when we are uncomfortable.
Instead of sitting with a feeling, we explain it, repeat it, soften it with more words.

It feels good in the moment.
But does it really change anything?

We can glorify ourselves through words.
But that doesn’t always move us forward.

I am beginning to see that a lot of what we are looking for is already within us.

We are like these powerful systems and yet we look outside for answers, or even fear what’s being built outside(AI).

But what if the real intelligence we need to understand,is already here?

What if it’s just buried under all the noise?

Maybe we don’t need more input.
Maybe we need more silence.

Want to know more?

Stay quiet for a bit and listen.

Ssshhhh…

Love and Light

I Thought Awareness Was Enough

Standing at Kashi Viswanath temple in Varanasi, overlooking the crowd and temples
Standing at Kashi Viswanath temple in Varanasi, overlooking the crowd and temple. Pic Credit- Pandit Ji

I used to think awareness was everything.

I could read a room.
I could sense what was happening.
I could understand situations quickly.

And I believed that meant I was aware.

Many people say awareness is the first step.
But I am starting to wonder.. what if we stop there?

What if we just keep watching?

Because that’s what I did.

I saw things clearly, but I didn’t move.
I stayed in the same place, almost admiring the awareness.

Awareness is powerful.
But what are we doing with it?

If nothing changes, then what is it really giving us?

Action is life. Movement is nature.

If we only observe, we can become spectators in our own lives.
And maybe that’s a choice.

But if we want to move forward, awareness alone isn’t enough.

The question I find myself asking now is:

I can see all of this clearly.
Now what am I going to do about it?

Do I sit with it, think about it, stay where I am…
or do I take the next uncomfortable step?

Because change isn’t easy.

It feels like walking through fire.
And most of the time, I would rather avoid it or just stand in the rain and wait.

But for how long?

Until the fire reaches me?
Or the rain slowly wears me down?

It sounds dramatic when I say it like this.
But isn’t that what we do?

I often wonder why it’s so hard to stay with discomfort.

Because sometimes I know what needs to be done.

And yet, I still find it hard to just be with it.

Love and Light

Bindu

The Fear I Didn’t See

Sitting at Rama temple in a yellow saree, quiet moment
Temple Morning

I’ve lived with fear for most of my life without even knowing it.

Not the obvious kind.
A quieter one.

The kind that makes you:

  • finish people’s sentences in your head
  • assume what others are thinking about you
  • prepare responses before they are done speaking

I thought I was aware.
But I was reacting… constantly.

I was always trying to be seen as good.
Trying to be right.
Protecting an image I didn’t even realize I was holding on to.

And now when I look back, it feels strange.

How did being right become more important than peace?

Why did I think people had the time to sit and think so much about me?

It feels almost silly when I say it out loud.

But it also feels “real”

I can see it now, but I’m not fully out of it yet.

I have trained myself to avoid feeling things so well that my body doesn’t quite know what presence feels like anymore.

And when I say that, I also see that I’m the one who trained it this way.

So then… who am I?

If I am not my thoughts, and I am not my body,
then who am I?

A name?
A role?
A daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend?

Or just someone passing through, thinking she knows, only to realize she doesn’t?

I don’t know if I am ready yet
to be wrong,
to be seen differently,
to not be “good.”

But I can also see that maybe… none of that matters as much as I thought it did.

Love and light

Bindu

Embracing you!

I always tell people that if we were diagnosed with mental health issues, most of us would be tested for something positive. Conditions like OCD, ADHD, or Dyslexia are some examples. We live in a country where we have a community with immense support. There are families , friends , neighbors etc (many with no boundaries!). As a result, mental health takes a back seat. The western culture approach is so radically different and therapy is a part of life. We as a Nation are catching up of course. I was walking in the park one morning and my eye fell on this piece of paper on the ground.

I glanced at it and kept walking but by the time I finished a loop of the park ,my mind stuck to that pamphlet and took me on a journey 🙂 . For the most part of my school I always read a to-let board as toilet. I consistently and continuously did this irrespective of on what building the board was! 

I never spoke out or asked anyone why is that house or building called a Toilet? I never reasoned it out nor did I have the courage to talk out loud and become a laughing stock! At some point, I had an epiphany but I have no memory of when exactly. I realized it read TO-LET(woo hoo!), which has a totally different meaning. I kept asking myself,” how did I miss the hyphen” for all of the past years but I never got an answer. I buried it in the hatchet and moved on. That morning, the pamphlet resurfaced the memory and I was compelled to share it.

I am sure I had my reasons to be embarrassed as a kid. I was not comfortable being honest or vulnerable for the fear of being judged perhaps? I hope I don’t give or be a reason for anyone around me to feel the way I did. This is silly but it stayed with me which means it meant something!

Feels so good to let this cat out! What is that silly thing which is of no significance in this Universe that you are holding on to? Care to share with me or talk out loud? I promise its worth it!

Love 

Bindu 

Nasyam – An Ayurvedic cure for allergies or clarity of mind?

I have had allergies since the age of 9, if I recall correctly. I have lived on antihistamines for most of my life. The medicine I used to take when I was a kid was banned in India. It was discontinued decades ago. I became aware of this Ayurveda process called Nasyam about 8 years ago. I tried it once, but with the wrong person. What happened after that was PTSD. I was in distress the whole day. I felt the ghee had seeped into my brain. I had no respite. To cut a long story short, it was a nightmare!

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

 

This time, I decided to get Nasyam done at an Ayurveda center. I was very scared. I went in with a lot of fear. Before I say more about the process I underwent, I would like to describe my allergy symptoms. It’s sneezes that can be like Diwali crackers or a big rocket. Watering/itching eyes plus itchy/runny nose. I had figured out a suppression mechanism that worked out when, but my life was on a standstill for that day or couple of days 😦 ..

I would take a drowsy antihistamine, eat chocolate, and junk food. I would consume anything I wouldn’t eat on a normal day. This helps me stuff away my discomfort. Eventually, I fall asleep thanks to the tablet. This has been my life for decades!

Let’s get back to the Nasyam process.

Step 1: They massaged oil on my face and opened up my sinuses via the massage.

Step 2: I had to steam with water that had an Ayurvedic oil (smells a little like Vicks).

Step 3: I lay down with a tilted head. My therapist would administer 3 to 4 drops of Nasyam, aka Anutailam, into my nostrils. She would massage my nose and make sure the ghee was inside my nasal cavity. I was then asked to inhale it deeply.

Step 4: They burn a stick (Dhoomam, which looks like sage). She asked me to inhale the smoke from my nose. Then, exhale via my mouth for each nostril. That hit badly, and I coughed like I was on fire :). I was left wondering why do people really smoke 😀

Step 5: Gargle with salt water to spit out excess phlegm (sorry, this is gross).

I had to follow a diet which excluded cold food in terms of temperature. It was also based on the way Ayurveda describes food (Prakrithis). I couldn’t wash my hair that day, and also bland warm foods had to be consumed.

I did this for 7 days each morning and I must say the first thing I noticed was my skin was feeling softer ;). Jokes apart, I went through hell for the first 4 to 5 days. I had severe allergies; like my hubby said, I paid money to get sick. I suffered and maybe used up to 2 boxes of tissues each day! I was not great company to be around. I had to be clean(I realize I sound like an addict ;)) .This means no more meds, no eating all that junk, and no sleeping off. This was the worst few days of my year!

In this phase of my life I realize the only way out of anything is through it. I stayed strong because of this belief, I guess. My family struggled to see me suffer; they were in pain clearly. They gave advice to stop the treatment. They suggested getting an allopathy consultation. They even said it’s okay to eat what you like. They doled everything my way. I had to finally tell them I know you love me, but I need support and not ways to quit! I stuck to the regime and even after 7 days some mornings I woke up with sniffles.

I don’t know if my allergies have vanished. I feel hopeful that there is something ahead in life. I am stronger than the day I started the process. This process tested my grit, commitment, and also helped me get clarity in my brain. I feel my brain quietened a little and it made space for a growth mindset.

I feel this is something I will do every year to cleanse my sinuses and brain. I am starting to feel it’s worth the effort. I also feel if someone has no severe allergies like me, then they will not suffer the way I did. I went to Google to read about the experiences of others who have undergone this. I didn’t find any, so here I am typing away. If you have any questions or encouragement, I am here.

I wish you the best in your journey!

Love

Bindu

ps: If you have an option to do this process in a proper retreat, then please do that. This way your family won’t see you suffer and no one has to deal with managing the special diet!

How are you feeling?

Photo by Vie Studio on Pexels.com

I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago. She narrated a story about her old work place. She worked in a gas station and handled difficult customers all the time. People would be impatient. They would get mad at other customers at the gas station. Then, they would express all the anger at her as she managed the place. She was helpless and couldn’t do anything other than apologize. Yet, they would demand her to talk to her manager. She would promptly make that happen. The story is not about my friend who worked at the gas station. It is about the lady who was her boss. Let’s call her Katie. I don’t even know of her. Whenever an angry customer went and spoke to Katie she would call my friend and talk to her. Here is the twist, Katie each time there is an irate customer, calls my friend. She asked her, how are you feeling? Was it a lot? I hope you are doing fine and after listening to her completely she would then proceed to resolve the issue. This hit me like a thunderbolt.

Photo by Abdelrhman Magdy on Pexels.com

When we are stressed no matter what causes us we usually dump it on others. Angry at work? Dump that on spouse, angry with spouse well kids can take the bait, angry at customer? There is an employee who faces it. We don’t pause for a second and think well! This is so hard for me to hear second hand. How difficult must it have been for the person who experienced it? How are they feeling? Are they ok? In most cases I am pretty convinced that we will beat ourselves up when we do a mistake. We stab ourselves repeatedly and when someone is bleeding what they need is first aid and not another stab!

I was so much in awe when I heard about what Katie did and it changed something in me. A switch that was turned on internally is how I can best explain it . I told myself to be mindful of the people I meet every day. I will strive to be a better human. I may err but next time when I do I will be aware and maybe gentle .. Give myself and others grace perhaps. As humans what we need is to be seen right .. I wish you luck with this practice too 🙂