Tag: fear

The Italian Grandmama!

It was a bright sunny afternoon and I was on a walk with a friend. We didn’t want to go to a restaurant as we weren’t comfortable with all the pandemic scare around. We walked for miles and talked about everything under the sun. We finally reached a spot under the tree for final bye exchanges and to go to our respective destinations – our home.

Image courtesy – https://unsplash.com/@cristian_newman

While we were busy wrapping up I see a lady walking on the pavement and she is very old. She( I will call her Nonna from hereon) is walking straight for a moment and walks into us the next , feels dizzy and collapses on the sidewalk on her seat. All this happens in a matter of few seconds and I am in shock. I don’t know what to do and I look at my friend for help and she is equally perplexed. Nonna wasn’t hurt but she was dizzy, scared, confused and she wanted help to get back on her feet. I felt anxiety rising inside me, feeling so uncomfortable with what was happening right in front of me.

She looked into my eyes and I was feeling so helpless as she was very old and I was worried for her health and mine. I wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do, the cars stopped by to offer help, the girl from a shop close by came to offer water. Nonna kept trying to get up but just couldn’t even move and she again asked me for help to get up. She didn’t engage with anyone but me and I was so present to that and that worried me even more as I felt responsible for her. She didn’t want to be told to sit or rest and that irritated her visibly , I sensed she felt trapped by her body and us.

So many questions on my mind what if she collapses again and hurts herself , what if she is sick , what if something happens to her. Is it safe to help her etc. I then look at her face she has aged so gracefully and all the wrinkles on her face has so many stories to share, she knows what she wants and all she asked me is a little help. We lock eyes again and she tells me help! I stop ruminating, I stop listening to people around me, I don’t wait for the ambulance to reach something inside me decided to do what she wanted. I offered her my hand and she hung on to it with all that she had, she held my leg to climb up and stand. She stood up and said I want to go. I asked her to wait, the other girl offered her water, my friend found the ambulance but she walked away. Nonna said I don’t know what happened to me but she put on a straight face and started walking

The paramedics tried to talk to her she questioned who they were and responded stating I don’t need help. She refused to engage with them and she refused to soften her gaze , she was in fear but she didn’t show it for a second and walked away with all the energy she had. I stood there sighing relief, regaining my breath with a thousand thoughts swimming in my head wondering will she be ok. The paramedic confirmed he knew where she lived as he saw her just a while ago when she started her walk so he felt she will reach safely. He said we can’t help if she doesn’t want to be helped.

I don’t know who she is , I don’t know how she is but her face is in my prayers everyday. I hope Nonna is fine and safe, I hope she is living happily. I hope she doesn’t fall again in this unstable world! I hope I learn to be as strong and bold like her if I reach her age because what she did needed a different level of grit and commitment to self.

I wish you well my Italian Grandmama, Nonna..

The Unseen Bear

I was fortunate to travel to Yellow Stone last year and was excited about the hikes. The beautiful drive, vegetation, the different terrains blew my mind every second. One of the few times I have been present in “the now” as I had no time to look back or look ahead as Nature was in my company and she didn’t let me detract. Mother Nature is a healer and no one can do that job better than her is so true.

The moment I reached the hotel several signs freaked me out. The signage which said beware of Bear, how to protect myself from the Bear , what to do and what not to do, and mush more. The educational videos and immumerable sign boards tightened my chest. My stomach churned at the possibility of a bear attack. I wasnt sure if hiking was a good idea but then went with the flow.

The trails were beautiful and mesmerising while I enjoyed the view partially mostly my focus was on the bear. My mind was a whirl wind of questions, Was it following me? Was it closer? Did I just hear the Bear? Or was it wind? What will I do if it comes in front of me, will I remember all the things to do, so on and so forth. All the 5 days the terrains were differnet but fear remained the same. Was I living or dying was the question to answer here 🙂

After I left the place it got me thinking. Isn’t that the way we live everyday? With the fear of the unknown. With all the assumptions and adverse effects all created by our beautiful minds. The worst nightmares or horror stories spun by the mind. We dont realise that life is in the present moment and the best we can do is be present in the moment. We are looking at the Bears of the past and the Bears of the future and most times we dont even know what is the fear we harbour. Its the fear of the unknown. Its an epiphany that thinking about things or fretting about circumstances will not change the outcome. In my experince 80% of all that I thought or feared will happen has never ever happened. So maybe I am not good at it and should give up predicting future. Fear is good if it drives us to achieve something but it cripples us if we over think.

Fear or Faith choice is Ours, I chose faith in life and living in the present moment, what would you choose?

Wishing you peace!

Bee