Tag: mental-health

The Fear I Didn’t See

Sitting at Rama temple in a yellow saree, quiet moment
Temple Morning

I’ve lived with fear for most of my life without even knowing it.

Not the obvious kind.
A quieter one.

The kind that makes you:

  • finish people’s sentences in your head
  • assume what others are thinking about you
  • prepare responses before they are done speaking

I thought I was aware.
But I was reacting… constantly.

I was always trying to be seen as good.
Trying to be right.
Protecting an image I didn’t even realize I was holding on to.

And now when I look back, it feels strange.

How did being right become more important than peace?

Why did I think people had the time to sit and think so much about me?

It feels almost silly when I say it out loud.

But it also feels “real”

I can see it now, but I’m not fully out of it yet.

I have trained myself to avoid feeling things so well that my body doesn’t quite know what presence feels like anymore.

And when I say that, I also see that I’m the one who trained it this way.

So then… who am I?

If I am not my thoughts, and I am not my body,
then who am I?

A name?
A role?
A daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend?

Or just someone passing through, thinking she knows, only to realize she doesn’t?

I don’t know if I am ready yet
to be wrong,
to be seen differently,
to not be “good.”

But I can also see that maybe… none of that matters as much as I thought it did.

Love and light

Bindu

Embracing you!

I always tell people that if we were diagnosed with mental health issues, most of us would be tested for something positive. Conditions like OCD, ADHD, or Dyslexia are some examples. We live in a country where we have a community with immense support. There are families , friends , neighbors etc (many with no boundaries!). As a result, mental health takes a back seat. The western culture approach is so radically different and therapy is a part of life. We as a Nation are catching up of course. I was walking in the park one morning and my eye fell on this piece of paper on the ground.

I glanced at it and kept walking but by the time I finished a loop of the park ,my mind stuck to that pamphlet and took me on a journey 🙂 . For the most part of my school I always read a to-let board as toilet. I consistently and continuously did this irrespective of on what building the board was! 

I never spoke out or asked anyone why is that house or building called a Toilet? I never reasoned it out nor did I have the courage to talk out loud and become a laughing stock! At some point, I had an epiphany but I have no memory of when exactly. I realized it read TO-LET(woo hoo!), which has a totally different meaning. I kept asking myself,” how did I miss the hyphen” for all of the past years but I never got an answer. I buried it in the hatchet and moved on. That morning, the pamphlet resurfaced the memory and I was compelled to share it.

I am sure I had my reasons to be embarrassed as a kid. I was not comfortable being honest or vulnerable for the fear of being judged perhaps? I hope I don’t give or be a reason for anyone around me to feel the way I did. This is silly but it stayed with me which means it meant something!

Feels so good to let this cat out! What is that silly thing which is of no significance in this Universe that you are holding on to? Care to share with me or talk out loud? I promise its worth it!

Love 

Bindu