I am Beautiful!

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My Bare Skin Pic

I have grown up feeling like an ugly duckling. No one ever left a stone unturned to comment on my skin color or my height. Dark was dirty and tall means how will I find a man? Everyone asked me this from friends to strangers. I carried this baggage on my shoulders all these years. I covered myself up in makeup, in products that promised a porcelain skin, I was a guinea pig for every possible product. All I wanted to prove to everyone was that I am beautiful.

What we are told as a kid becomes our limiting belief, it shapes our belief system and after that, whatever happens, we go by what our mind was told repeatedly. Some become defensive, some surrender, some gets depressed and some rebel. I had every trait in me more of a rebel growing up as a kid and defensive as an adult. I wasn’t aware of these traits while I was growing up even if my mother called me a rebel I wouldn’t understand because I didn’t know what it felt like not being one. The reality is I was protecting myself.

My journey went on for years and I loved dressing up and I still do but the makeup was an intrinsic part of my life. I would hide and cringe at the thought of how people will perceive my acne prone skin or how they will judge me(This wasn’t an assumption but an experience- we don’t take a second to comment on others weight, skin or clour do we?). I never realized that the biggest scar was inside my head and not on my skin. 

This past month I finally have realized and accepted that beauty is an inside thing and my skin isn’t my identity. I have been interacting with a lot of people over the phone and they have been very appreciative of me and they don’t even know how I look and that struck me! I have met people around me who appreciate dark skin as beautiful. Each time someone told me they will kill to have my skin tone I shrunk as I couldn’t believe my ears. Something changed, a little shift took place and I feel so liberated to share that I haven’t been applying makeup to my face and I haven’t felt this beautiful ever. I still have scars and I know they will fade. I know I am growing old and my skin will wrinkle and I am ok as I am just human.

Why did I have to share this with you? I have struggled with this insecurity inside me and wanted to share with everyone who still secretly is suffering. It isn’t easy to talk about and it not everyone understands. If you are going through any of the above I mentioned always remember people who love you won’t care about how you look and people who don’t like you do not matter.  Irrespective of what others say, there is one choice we can make- instead of covering up our faces and making others happy we can uncover our faces and make ourselves happy.

For the others who are quick to comment on others or in body shaming, just remember you are scarring someone for life, especially if it is a kid please be kind as it takes a lot of energy to fight back and stand up for ourselves.

The only person we have to face at the end of the tunnel is us. What is she/he said I know they were all bad to you but how did you treat yourself?

You are beautiful the way you are!

Love and Light

Bindu

PS: I still love makeup but for fun and not to hide behind it 🙂

What is letting go?

IMG_3528I hear everyone say let go, don’t hold on and I never understood the meaning of that. I couldn’t wrap my head around those words, I always fought back that I am not holding on! In the past year, I have learned to listen to myself clearer than I have all my life. That doesn’t mean I have arrived, I have a long way to go and I would like to call myself a work in progress. I have learned that my mind is a drama queen. She talks for the topic and against the topic in the same breath and it didn’t help me when I was alone. It was a huge battle I had to fight. I wondered is it just me? I was made to feel that I am an abnormal soul by a couple of my friends who listened to me. Then I started reading and researching as I wanted to understand more. Eckart Tolle, Oprah, Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins, Panache Desai, B K Shivani , Tony Robbins etc the list is long and it was such a relief to learn that it was not just me! But what was even better to learn is that I am one of the blessed ones as I am aware of what’s happening and awareness is the beginning of everything.

It went on until I came across  Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul. This book has taken me by surprise. I am in awe of what I read, I haven’t re-read any para or lines or chapters like I have in his book. The best part? as usual, I received the book at the right time, right day and right second of my life.

He is now teaching me what is letting go. What we listen to is not us, when we can listen to something then that is not us and we become someone who is watching or noticing that is happening. The moment we step back and notice then we are not associated with the banter. When we have not associated magic happens as we do not react. Letting go is relaxing our bodies and breathing, the energy passes, the feeling goes away, the uneasiness disappears. The energy isn’t blocked in our body which then breeds all negativity.

He has an analogy for all that we carry he describes it as the thorn on our arm touching a nerve(I cringed at this thought). What are the options to deal with it really? Just 2. One is work around it and he describes this so beautifully. We can put a cast, change our environment, change everything around us continuously to accommodate the thorn and live with it and in this case end of the day, we are doing everything around what the thorn is dictating. It decides when we live and how or second simpler solution is letting go! removing the thorn and live life happily the way we want.

The irony is most of us choose option one to protect ourselves and live defending ourselves every second we breathe, wanting to control everything around so that we are safe. I felt the need to share this with you with the hope that if you are in the same boat as I am then this will help.

So this is how it all began,

It was a Saturday morning and I was very unwell. I woke up to comment against my name and something triggered me(my thorn- my fear). I reacted, I defended, cried foul, I fought, I ended up making the person who commented small. I kept thinking about what happened, why did I do what I did. I did not have answers but I knew that something wasn’t right. Now I know it was my way of protecting myself against all the conditioning I have gone through in my life, the limiting beliefs I have built. A painful realization that I have lived like this for so long. The best learning was that fear is a part of being human but its good to be present to it and not fight it. It’s ok to be wrong. It is never about the person who said anything its the thorn inside me which is hurting me. So it has always been about the thorn inside me.

The next time if someone is angry I hope and pray to God to give me the ability to pause and understand what is their primary emotion because anger is the secondary one and unfortunately we see just that emotion as it is on our face and loud. No one does anything to hurt us deliberately but they are fighting a war inside themselves. The primary emotion could be shame , fear, uncertainty, insecurity. Mine was shame. Something I have become aware of just now and hoping it stays with me.

Learning is an ongoing process so is self-care, the day we stop we become rusty and stink and will spiral without our own knowledge.

I wish you become aware of the demons you are fighting and let go of them and Breathe!

PS: Sorry to the person who I hurt and others who I might have hurt several times in the past, I wasn’t aware of anything. I did the best I could then.

The Unseen Bear

I was fortunate to travel to Yellow Stone last year and was excited about the hikes. The beautiful drive, vegetation, the different terrains blew my mind every second. One of the few times I have been present in “the now” as I had no time to look back or look ahead as Nature was in my company and she didn’t let me detract. Mother Nature is a healer and no one can do that job better than her is so true.

The moment I reached the hotel several signs freaked me out. The signage which said beware of Bear, how to protect myself from the Bear , what to do and what not to do, and mush more. The educational videos and immumerable sign boards tightened my chest. My stomach churned at the possibility of a bear attack. I wasnt sure if hiking was a good idea but then went with the flow.

The trails were beautiful and mesmerising while I enjoyed the view partially mostly my focus was on the bear. My mind was a whirl wind of questions, Was it following me? Was it closer? Did I just hear the Bear? Or was it wind? What will I do if it comes in front of me, will I remember all the things to do, so on and so forth. All the 5 days the terrains were differnet but fear remained the same. Was I living or dying was the question to answer here 🙂

After I left the place it got me thinking. Isn’t that the way we live everyday? With the fear of the unknown. With all the assumptions and adverse effects all created by our beautiful minds. The worst nightmares or horror stories spun by the mind. We dont realise that life is in the present moment and the best we can do is be present in the moment. We are looking at the Bears of the past and the Bears of the future and most times we dont even know what is the fear we harbour. Its the fear of the unknown. Its an epiphany that thinking about things or fretting about circumstances will not change the outcome. In my experince 80% of all that I thought or feared will happen has never ever happened. So maybe I am not good at it and should give up predicting future. Fear is good if it drives us to achieve something but it cripples us if we over think.

Fear or Faith choice is Ours, I chose faith in life and living in the present moment, what would you choose?

Wishing you peace!

Bee

 

 

 

The Gas Station

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I realized how blessed I am being an Indian or should I say spoilt? Living in a  country where someone is always around to attend to my needs. Be it my parents, friends, the guy at the parking ticket(this I never understood by the way), the boys/girls at the petrol bunk, the waiter who packs my leftovers happily, people to help me carry things home, someone to cook and clean my house and yada yada yada..This list can go on as I feel we live a life of luxury, I call it a princess life. So Bangalore country and India my world. I didn’t know of any world where people did things on their own(maybe I did but never experienced so!) and btw! I thought I was an independent woman living in India but in reality, I had a zillion souls helping me at every step and while I thanked them I never valued them in my opinion. The gratitude has increased many folds as I write this now as I know the value of this service/help.

My stay in the US has been nothing less than a self-discovery journey. Talking to the walls as it’s not easy to make friends in the city where I lived. Making my own decisions, carrying my own stuff and cleaning myself etc:).
I took time to soak in the experience and it wasn’t easy, trust me anything outside the comfort zone is not easy. But like they say that is where the magic happens and I connect with that more now.
While this struggle became a part of my life what changed is one experience. One of the days after I started driving I went to the petrol bunk aka gas station to fuel my car and for my dismay, I was left in a limbo as I haven’t done this darn thing on my own. I am so used to someone asking me to park, asking me how much fuel, doing small talk and asking for my card and me zooming away happily. My mind went into a whirlwind, how does this even work, what if I pour the fuel onto myself or the next car or what if I did something stupid as I didn’t even know how to hold the pump. I parked my car at the station and took a few deep breaths as I had to do this and my car was beeping/ hungry for fuel.
I gingerly pulled my car and waited behind the guy who was busy in his autopilot mode filling the fuel as this is what they usually do and has no thinking or learning as it all comes to them naturally(well! I know they started at some point). I walked up to him and said HELP!! and narrated how I was new and didn’t know to operate etc. He smiled and helped me through the process while I did it on my own. He explained things I should know and remember always. He was kind to wait for me to finish up filling the fuel and then waved me bye. I was left happy and filled with gratitude for this BIG help he did.
I learned two things,
Our world is not the end of the world as there is more to it and the day we recognize it we will be grounded
Ask and we shall receive. I let go of my need to know things, I didn’t google, I didn’t call anyone but I just asked and there was help readily waiting for me. So asking never hurts is my next learning.
I have been off blogs as I am exploring life and myself but I wanted to share this with you all as I feel it’s my responsibility to do so.
Thank you for reading!
Love and Light
Bee

You like it or not!

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Pic Courtesy – Pexels.com

You like it or not; there is no shortcut to hard work,

You like it or not; life is about ups and downs,

You like it or not, its ok not to find answers to all our questions,

You like it or not; we cant take all that money with us anywhere,

You like it or not; life is about imperfection,

You like it or not; there are no stars without a dark sky,

You like it or not; self-love is the best kind of love,

You like it or not, time heals,

You like it or not, people will judge,

You like it or not; things can change in a heartbeat,

You like it or not, life has its way of teaching us lessons,

You like it or not; nature is powerful than us,

You like it or not; health is wealth,

You like it or not; we cannot buy time,

You like it or not, life is much more than what we see,

You like it or not, the past cannot be changed,

You like it or not, future is unpredictable,

You like or not; life ends one day,

You like it or not, it’s now or never!

 

 

 

Life should come with a label “limited time offer!”

Image Courtesy – Google

It was just another day for me, doing my mundane chores. Keeping myself busy and then a beep on my WhatsApp app shattered me. I was heartbroken to read about Sridevi’s demise. I have several reasons for this as the Diva left me with a lot of learnings. I feel unsettled; I feel uncomfortable as I am reminded that life is uncertain and death is the only certainty for us humans.

She looked gorgeous, she looked fit, she had her stardom and a happy family, and all this is what we saw or what was visible to us on social media. I know they are stars and have to keep up with the glamour world. I understand that the competition is too high and I may not even have kept up to 54 if I was her. She was very young, and all this was all too fast, I wonder how her family will come to terms with this loss. I wish her soul rests in peace .

I grew up watching her; she is one woman who has made me laugh in movies. I somehow was unknowingly connected to her I guess, though I haven’t watched all her films. Never have I made any effort to follow her on social media, yet the news was heartbreaking. I was wondering why did it hurt me?

It taught me life is short and how short no one knows. We must be prepared to embrace death any moment.

I realized I am conditioned to keep away from the subject “death”. I was always discouraged from discussing death because it is not positive. Alas!I learned that it is the only confirmed event in our life and hence has to be openly spoken about. I searched for talks on death last evening and watched them on ted.com(There are some interesting ones if you are interested)

I learned that fitness or nothing we do would guarantee a long life. I have innumerable limiting beliefs I became aware of in myself. It struck me that the only thing that matters is if we lived our life to the fullest when we breathed our last. When it is the time, we have to leave.

I became aware that we are all a spec of dust and can vanish in no time. However BIG we are in the society we are not indispensable, and life goes on.

I realized that living with the thought that we are here for a limited period might snap us out of our past(which is over) and maybe help us stop brooding over the future(which is uncertain).

I realized all I want is to be remembered as a woman who lived her life to the fullest and someone who loved her laugh lines.

I realized that yesterday is in my mind and tomorrow is again a game of the brain and all I have is just the present moment. The fact is in most cases we are fine now yet unhappy because of the thoughts we carry. All the negativity and pain are in mind.

I learned that I am running out of time and the fact is nothing can tell us how much time are we left with.

I realized rules stop us from living; society is in my mind. It’s my life, and only I can live it. Finally, I die alone.

Procrastinating will only ensure I am dead soon as time waits for none as that word stops us from living life.

Laugh out Loud – Love yourself – Live Life is the only way to be happy and the only way we can spread happiness.

Many more thoughts and realizations occurred to me in the last 24 hours. Sridevi left a message loud and clear for me, and I will always be eternally thankful to her. What if I don’t wake up tomorrow morning? Will I have regrets for things I left undone? Will I have a happy story or a sad one in my timeline when my life flashes in the last moment? So here I am making my best efforts to live now.

Do you agree that we have limited time or are you still willing to live like death doesn’t exist? Do you believe that not talking about it will evade it? If today was the last day of your life what are the things you will do? You may want to think.

I wish you a happy life!
Bindu

 

 

Tracey knows the value of life!

It was one helluva cloudy day and I was in the cab on my way to the gym. The clouds had masked me, and I was in my world. Lost. My car braked for another rider. I was on a ride share. And suddenly I felt there were hope and life around me. It was Tracey, my co-rider. Chirpy, with shoulder length shiny hair which was a mix of platinum and slightest of burgundy. She sat in the front seat and turned around to say a hi. She was over 50 I figured; her wrinkles said stories and her smile lines spoken. Her energy was unmatchable. She told the driver that she was going on a seaplane this afternoon. But the driver was lost in the GPS navigation and hence said cool and remained silent. I couldn’t let her fade away she was my sun for the moment, I asked her how long is the ride, and she jumped back with excitement. She
Said it was an hour and how she was looking forward to it. Her voice and expressions did the job.
The car again stopped for the third co-rider, and this time it was a guy. He and Tracey exchanged pleasantries, and she told him about the seaplane ride. He mirrored her excitement as he experienced it a while ago and was narrating the same to her. The driver butted in to say, aren’t you scared? She responded stating “ No! I have jumped out of a plane three times so far”. My eyes widened, and mouth fell open. That needs some guts I told myself. While I was in this mode she narrated her story and tears flowed from my eyes; I couldn’t stop myself.
She is a cancer survivor, a proud one who back in action. She made it sound like a breeze. She laughed when she said, “Luckily I didn’t lose my hair to Chemo.” We were all silent. She went on to say that her husband was diagnosed with colon cancer three months after her diagnosis. He died. She carries his ashes wherever she goes and scatters it. She is all set to live life, to travel the world and that’s her only goal. She says nothing stops her anymore.
She gave me life; she inspired me, she knocked me into being. I was very emotional, and before I could compose myself, I reached my destination so had to leave the car, the happy place. Not before I wished her a beautiful day.
My mind had so many questions brewing like, why do we wait to know the value of life? Why don’t we value time when we know there might not be a tomorrow? Why don’t we live now than think if tomorrow?
Live – Love – Laugh is the mantra she passed on to me. Wherever she is, I will always remember her. She had that magic, and she knew the value of life.
I wish you a life filled with happiness Tracey!

Do you love what you do?

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Work is worship is a saying I have grown up listening. I wonder if that implies that worship means “love and passion” too? In this world where most of us are operating in an autopilot mode where we don’t even know how we reached our destination, do we pause to think what passion means for us? Do we love what we do is the question?

If you don’t love what you do, you won’t do it with much conviction or passion is a quote by Mia Hamm.

A research says happy employees are more productive . Happiness is what we all look for in life .So I got on to search for my answers to questions like did I love my previous jobs? I did well, and I am confident that my past employers will hire me back but the question remains was that my passion?If yes, then why am I not with them anymore?

While all these thoughts were running on my mind, I stumbled upon a YouTube video of one of the mini-celebrity(mc) aka social media influencer who had organized a meet for her fans. And one of her followers asked the mc how did she manage to look so fresh and happy despite all the traveling, shooting, early mornings, late nights she has been doing. The celebrity’s life was an open book evidently thanks to her vlogs, so all knew her schedule, and that question piqued my curiosity, and I was hoping she wouldn’t name a product and endorse it at this point in response. To my relief, she didn’t let me down. She said I love what I do, it’s not my job, but it’s a part of me. So all I am doing is living my life, and I get paid for it. She sounded genuine and looked very happy(The video I am referring to is the one by vithya hair and make up)

TED and other motivational video channels share similar thoughts, and their talks are very inspirational, but they sound surreal to me . Most people I come across everyday are zombies like me jumping from task to tasks, dawn to dusk and on a repeat the next day.

I wanted to know the story of passion from real people, people who are around me whom I see every day. So I asked some who gave me the vibes that they love their job. I came across someone who quit her well-paying corporate career and started her own venture on coaching as she felt that is what makes her happy . Another friend of mine left a high flying job to build a start-up catering to the wellness industry . He had something very powerful “ he wanted to make something that makes a difference to our lives , something that adds value and voila! A software was born from the need” . There are many more super heroes without a cape around me and all I had to do was look around to spot them .

Follow your passion it will lead you to your purpose – Oprah Winfrey.

This lead to my next question purpose? I google searched the exact meaning of purpose as assumptions at this stage was a bad idea. So it goes like this

“ It is the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. Purpose also means to have as one’s intention or objective.”

The intention is a magic word. After pouring over books and videos I learnt that the super heroes start their day with an intention to serve their purpose with work, family, friends, and themselves that day. An intention to deliver the best in whatever they do. And if what we do is our passion and we have the right plans everything falls into place automatically. Finally, I admit I am at peace with this discovery.

The very thought of getting paid for what I love to do and be myself makes me happy. This reveals to me that I never knew what was the meaning of making passion my work. I loved my job or the company or the boss but it wasn’t necessarily my passion.   A passion that makes me want to jump out of bed every morning like it’s a festival, a purpose that will help me drift into sleep smiling does sound blissful. All these leads to a happy “us” and in turn spreads the happiness and positivity to everyone around. There is so much we can gain by following our passion.

While all this sounds good, the hard truth is everything is in our hands. Even if we skim through books and read a zillion of them until we act on it, it remains a book or a blog on some website. So here are some questions that may help each one of us find answers to the question, do we love what we do.

  • Do you feel excited to wake up every morning and sometimes get sleepless at the thought of the next awesome day?
  • Do you feel satisfied when you go to bed every night?
  • Do you have a hundred reasons to be thankful for in life at any moment?

If the answers to all the above questions were an affirmative then congratulations, you nailed it obviously. If no, its time to find out what is that will help you answer the above questions with a simple yes.

Anything that strikes a chord with our being is our purpose. So what are you waiting for?

I wish you luck!

Bindu

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s now or never!

 

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Image courtesy- Google

I just heard the sad news about the demise of someone I know, whose laughter still rings in my ears. It got me thinking, how fragile are we. Controlled by this breath and with no control in our hands. While we believe we own everything but in reality we have nothing. Not all that we earned, not all the accolades and not even our own body. It all belongs to this earth, and we go wherever we do with nothing accompanying us. Will we carry memories I wonder? Will happy memories keep us alive up there? How I wish someone could answer this for me.If not that, I will be content to leave this planet with no regrets, is that too much to ask for I wonder?

Of late I have had this realization that we human beings are all so optimistic. We do not believe in pessimism at all. Before you analyze that statement I made, I will explain this further. We are all planning our future. What we will do next year or in the next five years, how we will settle for good in x years, how we will focus on life in x years and so on. We are busy rushing away with the present as we are looking forward to that tomorrow which may not even exist. How are we so confident then? Are we all in a kind of coma? We know we might not survive the next second yet we are ok to fight with our loved ones and sleep angry. We don’t have an expiry date yet we plan what we do after we retire. We let go of everything we have now for that tomorrow that doesn’t even exist. No one in this universe can assure us of the next moment, yet we do what we are good at, living for tomorrow. If this isn’t called optimism then what is?

The sad news, accidents, calamities, deaths shudder me. There are so many talks, messages, forwards, posts on social media which scream at us that this is the only moment yet we are in a race inside our mind and are willing to gamble all that we have for an unknown tomorrow. Does tomorrow exist? Why are we programmed this way? Why don’t we live the now and live it to the fullest being aware that tomorrow might not even be there? Why can’t we be with our loved ones to our heart’s content now? Why do we plan to live to our heart’s content “x” years from now?

Does life have a way of making us realize? I recollect reading a message in which the lord of death Yama comes to the wealthy man to take him away, and he had millions of rupees, but none of that could buy him a second. I repeat, the money couldn’t buy him even one second.

That brings to my quest, In a fragile life like ours, shouldn’t we enjoy every second of it with people we love the most? Listen to them, speak to them and love them to our heart’s content? Express all that we should now and not wait until tomorrow? Live life like there is no tomorrow? I wish we all can…

This very moment, I want you to know that you have touched my life in some way or the other, else you wouldn’t be reading this. I hope and pray that you become aware of this reality that all we have is now. Like the saying goes its now or never.

Happy Living!